Marihuana Truth: 420 Trillion Dead

Marijuana—public enemy number one, commonly distributed as a doped cigarette.

You might have heard of it, or you might have tried it yourself. It has many popular street names like Satan's Broccoli, Dirty Bush, Jamaican Bazooka, or simply Scooby Dubbie Honey Boo Boo Oompa-Loompa.

You might have also heard that weed is the oldest and largest agricultural crop in the world, with an unlimited number of industrial and medicinal uses capable of making the world cleaner, safer, healthier, friendlier, kinder, happier and funnier. These are all lies and conspiracy theories. Because marijuana is a deadly poison. A drug menace destroying the youth of the world. With its roots in hell, it leads to shocking violence, soul destruction, and incurable insanity. It is estimated that marijuana kills 420 trillion people every year; but dying is not the only danger of smoking weed. The horrible effects of marijuana on the human body include excitement, hunger, happiness, and sometimes even relaxation.

So you might ask: why is weed bad for you? Because it is illegal. Why is it illegal? Because it is bad for you. A recent study found that everyone who smokes pot gets lung cancer. Unlike cigarettes and tobacco — which have absolutely no impact on health — marijuana will cause lung cancer, whether it is one hit or 22,000 joints. If you don't want to be one of the six million who die from marijuana smoke every year, use tobacco instead. It is legal, and therefore good for you.

Or try alcohol. Unlike booze, weed kills 3.3 million people globally, and it will also increase your risk of DUI and being in a car crash, as it causes fast and risky driving.

Not only is marijuana crazily addictive after only one hit, but it is also a gateway drug. 50% of society has smoked pot at some point in their lives, and look at them now—look at all those hundreds of millions of hopeless cocaine and heroin junkies. Pot use as been decriminalized in Argentine, Belgium, Netherlands, India, Peru, Portugal, Uruguay, Finland, Colombia, and Germany, and these countries have experienced social implosions and moral cataclysms of biblical proportions.

Remember that marijuana is very easy to overdose on. Only 1,500 pounds of marijuana smoked within fifteen minutes is all it takes to induce a lethal response. 

That marijuana smoke doesn’t only kill; it is responsible for ozone depletion, global warming, global cooling, acid rain, and climate change. Also remember that if you smoke, you support Communists, Satan, the Ku Klux Klan, and the Kardashians. Take prescription drugs instead; they’ve never killed a single person. Beware of marijuana, though, because it kills 78,000 people every year.

But that's not all. There are dangers of lingering contaminants in marijuana sold on the street, because dealers might add asbestos, roofies, aspartame, diabetes, chemtrails, and nuclear waste.

Marijuana can make a criminal out of anyone; all you have to do is put it in your pocket. That's how powerful it is! There is a clear moral equivalent between murder and possessing a dried flower. There is also the danger of rape. Once arrested for marijuana possession, you will get gorilla raped by your cell inmate.

However, there are even more dangers. Did you know that if you smoke weed you will experience a 320% decline in your IQ, and your sperm count will turn negative? Did you know that if you mix marijuana with gunpowder it will explode in your mouth, or that if twenty pounds of weed is mixed with concrete and thrown off a roof it will kill instantly? Or that the plastic bag marijuana comes in can cause two months of constipation when swallowed? Worst of all: did you know that marijuana is bad, because what would Jesus say?

Many public and historical figures have made it openly clear they have never, ever smoked marijuana, and that they never will, including people like:

Friedrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, Oscar Wilde, Pablo Picasso, Pythagoras, Van Gogh, Jules Verne, Elvis Presley, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Carl Sagan, Stephen King, the Beatles, UB40, Sting, Bruce Lee, Terry Pratchett, Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Jane Fonda, Frank Sinatra, Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Kennedy, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Queen Victoria, Winston Churchill, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Jennifer Aniston, George Clooney, Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Morgan Freeman, Bill Murray, Roseanne Barr, Joe Rogan, Louis CK, Conan O’Brian, Russell Brand, Howard Stern, Joan Rivers, and Walt Disney.

To be a valuable, contributing member of society, you need to abstain from pot. Weed destroys creativity. In fact, it is common knowledge that most of human creation is accredited to sobriety.

Help us wage the most logical, effective, and beneficial war in history—the war on drugs! It is a century-old war that has decriminalized generations, emptied the courts and prisons, increased taxpayer money, and made gangsters a thing of the past. More than 50 000 000 people have been arrested since the 70’s, and, finally, marijuana can't be found in any high school. Thanks to our relentless efforts, in the last century there has been a massive decrease of marijuana use by about 100 000%. In fact, we have transformed the lives of all of those dangerous, arrested potheads, and by confiscating their property we turned them from insane criminals to upstanding citizens! Because Marijuana arrests are evenly distributed across the social classes, and are mainly imposed on majorities like wealthy Caucasians in rich neighborhoods, the jails are now being closed down and fathers are able to return to their jobs to feed their families. And those who get arrested never use weed again! All they need is a proper punishment, and their lives are back on track! Their lives are not ruined.

We all know that criminalizing anything improves social structures, and today's drug policy is modern and trust-building. Like in the case of alcohol and sexual prohibition, the marijuana prohibition works and is highly effective. It’s also cheap; it has cost only one trillion dollars so far. How else are we supposed to feed doctors, judges, lawyers, prison guards, policemen, and drug testers? What other propaganda platform do you imagine politicians be elected on? Homelessness? Unemployment? Affordable healthcare? Illiteracy? No. We need to make nature illegal. The war on drugs has to be won! No one wants weed legalized. Today, only a small minority of 60% of society supports marijuana legalization.

But there is something much worse than weed. What is this threat, you ask? It is you! You are the biggest enemy to yourself! You might be an adult, but you shouldn't be allowed to make decisions about anything. You're irresponsible, and you need to be protected from yourself. Think about the convenience of not having to make any decisions ever again! Just be a follower; we have been taking care of you for centuries with amazingly positive results! Leave it to us. We know best what state of mind is good for you. If you have a lifestyle different than we approve, you must be helped! And because weed is not right for us, so it is not right for you.

In recent years, you might have heard some tree-hugging hippies spreading malicious lies about marijuana treating incurable diseases in needlessly suffering children. Because we say no to drugs, we say no to those suffering children. The modern medical industry didn't get to where it is now by providing simple and natural solutions. A non-toxic miracle drug? Remember the rule — if you can pronounce it, it doesn't work. No way can we accept this as medicine. How can we change our eighty-year-old rhetoric? Do you realize how idiotic we would all look? Not to the mention the loss of social trust in the establishment and the inevitable collapse of the system.

We believe in better living through chemistry, so it is easier to redefine science and biology. Modern medicine is about regulating your relationship with mother earth, and weed has a history of medicinal use for only 4,000 years. How can we know what it really does? We are not about to lose billions due to a plant.

Remember our words. Marijuana does not help those suffering from Alzheimer’s, arthritis, diabetes, depression, epilepsy, glaucoma, heart disease, hepatitis, herpes, HIV, Huntington’s disease, insomnia, migraine, multiple sclerosis, nausea, osteoporosis, pain, Parkinson’s, PTSD, schizophrenia, Tourette’s Syndrome, and definitely not cancer. In fact, it is so useless that we have just patented its non-medical effects. The Establishment is made of highly reliable experts, and everything we have been telling you is true. Look at the safe and healthy world we have created for you. Listen to your doctor and the medical industry. Marijuana is snake oil! No medicine can cure so many diseases at the same time. This would mean that marijuana is and does exactly the opposite of what we have been telling you for decades! That's preposterously ridiculous, and ridiculously preposterous.

You might also have heard rumors that the marijuana issue has exposed the truth about the corrupt nature of the establishment. Nothing further from the truth. We are the same people who were right about cocaine curing colds, radioactive water curing eczema and cigarettes curing cancer! Your health and not being our paying customer ever again is all we care about!

How can it be a universal, free, non-invasive miracle cure if it has been illegal for 80 years? That's nonsense. What's next? Magic mushrooms instantly curing depression and PTSD? Stop the madness! I repeat – active ingredients in marijuana when extracted to oil do not shrink tumors! 8 million who die every year can't be saved.

We have a perfectly logical strategy of demonizing the personal use of marijuana, while at the same time trying to make money off its non-medicinal properties. It is genius and it works!

Trust the Establishment! After all, it is made of young, honest, open-minded, and altruistic intellectuals! These are people with a lot of background in social science, psychiatry, chemistry, and medicine who have your health and social interest at heart.

So what can be done about it? Tell your children! They need to know we're on the right side of history. Make sure they remember us as heroes in our war against the devil and illegally self-healing hippies. This is the most important war of all: a war on a deadly plant. Help us put an end to this side-effects-free fun. Instead of reality, we need to concentrate on the ideal imaginary world that we want to live in. Help us go back to the good old days of no internet-based social awareness, and no limitless exchange of information. Join us! This war needs to be won at all cost—no price is too high, no victim is too innocent. We do not stand in the way of progress. Don't believe this is political, money-fueled propaganda or that we are profiting from suffering. We are not your enemy, and you don't need to fight us with all your power. There is no reason for concern, because you are not being oppressed and brainwashed. 

You are free. Everything is fine. It's business as usual. You are not a commodity in our system, don't think that war on drugs is war on you. The cat is not out of the bag, and this is not game over for us. We are not fighting a lost battle, and we are not giving up.