Aug 31, 2015

Earth Truth: How To Ruin A Perfectly Good Planet In 10 Easy Steps

(Reading can negatively impact your brain. Watching this video though will cleanse your colon and increase your awesomness levels.)


1. Find a beautiful, self-sustaining planet rich in resources, with a perfectly balanced ecosystem. Populate it with your kind - short-sighted, selfish, narcissistic, greedy, illogical creatures who couldn't give two flying shits about anything but cheeseburgers and Kardashians. 


Breed like crazy. Make sure the number of children you have is reversely proportional to your income. 


Make sure you start a so-called "civilization" that violates every possible law of nature and common sense.

 
Unnecessarily dominate and rape everything else on the planet. Make every contribution to the planet destructive or harmful at best. Limit the planet maintenance to a lazy and futile attempt to fix your own fuck-ups. 

2. Stay uneducated and oblivious to the truth about the planet's energy sources. Make sure you don't understand who you are and where you live and do away with everything that doesn't bring profit. Ignore all scientific solutions and everything related to renewable energy sources like wind, solar, geothermal or wave energy, and the fact that you are made of energy on subatomic level. Instead suck out oil. A bunch of it. And waste it, burn it, spill it. Like there is no tomorrow. Because there isn't. 


3. Build 500 nuclear reactors using primitive, 1960's technology. Place them near oceans and in seismically active regions. Make them blow up at least once every decade. Do some insane nuclear testing underground, on the ground and in the air. Just to see how big of a boom you can get away with. 


4. Cover the planet in plastic. Tamagotchis, Hello Kitty pens and Backstreet Boys CDs - products with a lifespan of a nanosecond and decomposition rate of decades. Make sure it breaks down within your lifetime instead of the expected 200 years so that you and your generation can still experience the damaging neurological effects of the plastic molecules destroying your nervous system and that of every living organism on the planet. 


5. Play God. Mess around with the genetic code of the organisms on the planet. Start introducing genetically modified plants and animals to the ecosystem long before you even get the slightest idea what the code is actually for. Get a vague understanding of a fraction of the DNA and label the remaining unknown 95% as "junk". Allow mutants to cross-pollinate and interbreed with healthy organisms. With the delicate balance of planetary systems you didn't create and don't know how to recreate, what could possibly go wrong? 


6. Vandalize seas and oceans. Use them as liquid dumping grounds for nuclear waste, fertilizers, last summer’s flip-flops and everything else you got bored with. Since water covers only two-thirds of the planet and provides everything vital for sustaining life, acidify the shit out of it and fish out all the marine life. Even the weird ones you have no business catching like whales and sharks and turtles and stuff. And once you're done make sure there is no clean water left for anyone. 

7. Get rid of all the trees. Since they produce most of the oxygen on the planet you don't really need them. What you need is 300 million tons of pizza boxes and titty bar flyers. Replace trees with bullshit crops like soy, corn and some palm trees. 

8. In fact - exterminate all other species altogether. Hunting, poisoning, polluting - whatever works. 100 species every single day. Make sure you lose biodiversity faster than you lose brain cells. While we're at it, kill the bees, they're way overrated. What have they ever done for you, except for pollinating every plant on this planet. Bees suck ass. 


9. Assassinate your personality and silence your awareness to stay as detached from reality as possible. This will allow you to consume three times the amount of food and resources than is actually necessary to live healthily and comfortably. Recycle nothing. Hold out on releasing the latest technological inventions for decades so that everyone keeps upgrading their phones and toasters - trashing the old, perfectly working ones. 


10. Move to outer space. Create an intergalactic business card by dumping thousands of pieces of techno-junk like satellites and broken flags so that intelligent life forms know what kind of irresponsible douchebags live in this neighborhood and why they all need to stay away from this part of the Milky Way. 


The great thing is that you don't really need all 10 steps. In fact, one should be enough. And once your job is complete here - hey, there are trillions of other planets out there you can move to and restart the annihilation process. Besides - you're only going to be here for the next, what - 40, 50 years? 


It is your children's and grandchildren's problem now! Screw them! Screw all the future generations and their tree-hugging hippie problems. Why care if you have cheap booze and free porn? Weeeheee! Way to go humans! 

2 comments:

appicks said...
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essayroo writing service review said...

This article is an eye opener and a mind numbing one mixed together. It makes me want to shout at the top of my voice for humans to stop! to stop destroying our planet! our home! I am going to share this article on every social platform so that it just might make a difference.

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